I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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