do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
