there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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