I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
