This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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