You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So vagazzling was a success
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
