insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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