guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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