NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
