I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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