you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
