If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
