Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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