found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
