Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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