i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
