I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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