I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
