giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
