i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
