I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
