I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
