You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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