Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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