So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
