Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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