Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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