i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
