She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
