I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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