OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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