When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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