so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
