I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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