I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
