You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
