I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
