My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
