this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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