I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
