Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
