Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
