I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
