Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
