I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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