singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
