Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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