She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
