How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
