i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You ruined the universe
Dear god my vagina.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
