I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
