I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
