i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
