there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
