Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
