Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
