My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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