Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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