GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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